• New Rule:  Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!  There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don’t particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days:  mowing my lawn.
  • New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re
    a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
    bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
    it to contain? Trout?
  • New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
    teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
    kids: lucky bastards.
  • New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re
    gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a
    grown man, they’re pictures of men.
  • New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about
    your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
  • New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of
    this crap at the supermarket, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
    flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some
    scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.
  • New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
    pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
    bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
    in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
    crisis.
  • New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
    If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande., half-soy, half-low
    fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
    ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.
  • New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
    Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t
    gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
  • New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
    I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
    with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just
    some freak with a fetish. don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want
    to wash my hands.
  • New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in
    months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese.