1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not  lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5.  Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will  eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14.  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force.’  It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors.”

7. Finish All Your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You’re Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream “I Won!, I Won!”

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to  get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied.   A nurse noticed his  predicament.

Sir, she said,” You may use the ladies  room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on  the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat  there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to  touch. Each button was identified by letters:
WW, WA, PP,  and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he  touched them?

He couldn’t  resist…

He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed  gently upon his bottom. What a  nice feeling, he thought.  Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things
like  this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he  pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water,  gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he  pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his  bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure..

The ladies restroom was more  than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When  the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait  to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he  was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at  him.
“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR  button.
“The button marked ATR is an Automatic  Tampon Remover.  Your penis is under your  pillow.”

Men Never Listen.

Everything has a gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

  • Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
  • Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
    takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective
    reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
    but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
  • A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often
    over-inflated.
  • A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
    anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
    course, there’s the hot air part.
  • Sponges are Female, because they’re soft,
    squeezable and retain water.
  • A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting
    hit on.
  • A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
    lines to pick people up.
  • An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
    weight shifts to the bottom.
  • A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much
    over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have
    around.
  • A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d
    be male , didn’t you? But consider this – it gives a
    man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he
    doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he
    keeps trying!
And then the fight started….
****
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.” So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And then the fight started….
********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ And she processed my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten  Disability, too’
And then the fight started…..

****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight started …

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…..

****
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…..
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And then the fight started…..

****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’
And then the fight started…..
Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still  heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical  procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial spo nge bath.
Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my
testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,
Sir. I’m only here to wash your upp er body and feet.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles
black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’
The man pull s off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen  very, very closely……
‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?

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