Funny/Interesting TV/Movie Quotes
Created by fundater2000 on 06 Jan 2009 | Tagged as: Uncategorized
Dude…Do you have anything diet? I’m 99.9% parched and I sure could use a cola.
Team America: World Police
We’re dicks! We’re reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don’t like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn’t appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves… because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don’t know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don’t let us fuck this asshole, we’re going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!
Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that’s…
Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
Chris: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
Kim Jong Il: [to Lisa] When you see Arec Barrwin, you see the true ugriness of human nature.
Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn’t realize he was a goddamn Gook. I’ll never be a racist again.
Chris: [not moving] I was nineteen years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary stops and listens]
Chris: I couldn’t wait to see it. After the show I was asked if I wanted to go meet some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled. But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control. Rumpus Cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but, Rumpleteazer held me down, and… I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.
Kim Jong Il: I’m so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There’s no one / Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work rearry hard and make up get prans / but, nobody listens, no one understands / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry / And so, I’m ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There’s no one I can rerate to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It’s kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it’s fiwring my body with rage / I’m the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but, nobody erse seems to rearrize it / When I can the worrd maybe they’rr notice me / And untiwr then, I’wr be ronery / Yeaaaaah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me…
Guy in Bar: See, there’s three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck. And if they didn’t fuck the assholes, you know what you’d get? You’d get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!
Lisa: Promise me you’ll never die.
Gary Johnston: You know I can’t promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston: I promise I’ll never die.
Alec Baldwin: By following the rules of the Film Actor’s Guild, the world can become a better place; that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning; that, is the fag way. One day you’ll all look at the world us actors created and say, “wow, good going, fag. You really made the world a better place, didntcha, fag?”
Janeane Garofolo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it’s our own opinion.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.
[on why Ricky should resume his racing career]
Susan: It’s because it’s what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer. And that’s what you need to do. You don’t need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab a hold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don’t win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you’re a man, aren’t you? Aren’t you?
Ricky Bobby: [pauses] Susan, I’ve never heard you talk like that… Are we about to get it on? Because I’m as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
Ricky Bobby: I will not shake your hand, but I will give you this
[kisses Jean Girard]
Jean Girard: You taste of America.
Ricky Bobby: Thank you.
Ricky Bobby: You sick, sons of bitches. I mean you walk in that door, on your two legs… all fat and cocky and lookin at me in my chair. And you tell me its all in my head? I hope that both of you have sons… Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons, who are talented and star athletes and they have their legs taken away. I mean I pray you know that pain and that hurt.
Lucius Washington: [enraged] Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don’t you put that on us! You are NOT paralyzed!
Reese Bobby: [walks into the classroom] Excuse me, darling. I’m Reese Bobby. I’m here for career day with my son, Ricky.
10-year-old Ricky: Dad!
Reese Bobby: Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long’s it been? Three, four months?
10-year-old Ricky: Ten years.
Reese Bobby: Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.
[puts a cigarette in his mouth]
Schoolteacher: Mr. Bobby, there’s no smoking in here.
Reese Bobby: Oh, it’s all right, darling, I’m a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver and an amateur tattoo artist.
Classmates: OOO0HHHH!
Reese Bobby: And the first thing you gotta learn if you’re gonna be a racecar driver, is that you don’t listen to losers like your know-it-all teacher here.
Schoolteacher: Okay, I think that’s enough.
Reese Bobby: Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she’s wrong because it’s the fastest who get paid and it’s the fastest who get laid.
[classmates all cheer]
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus as a figure skater. He wears like a white outfit, and He does interpretive ice dances of my life’s journey.
Texas Ranger: Someone didn’t love you enough when you were little, did they?
Reese Bobby: That’s a good call.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
Ricky Bobby: What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?
Jean Girard: Hakuna Matata, bitches!
Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?
Walker: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip’s war medals off the bridge.
[Chip is starled]
Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How ’bout you, TR?
Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo.
Ricky Bobby: Nice.
Texas Ranger: She said “No, you’re wrong.” I said “You got a lumpy butt.” She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I’m still sittin’ in my dirty pee-pants.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There’s no shame in that.
[from the unrated version]
Ricky Bobby: Hey. I lost my license. That’s why I’m on the bus… I’m delivering pizzas.
Passenger on Bus: Mothafucka, what makes you think I care? Shut the fuck up!
Ricky Bobby: I- I’ve just telling you that ’cause, like I said, I lost my license. I’ve just been having a lot of problems lately.
Passenger on Bus: Problems? I don’t want to hear about your damn problems! Everybody’s got problems! My momma got problems she just lost her leg! My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle! My dog just threw up somebody’s finger! That’s a problem!
Ricky Bobby: I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.
Ricky Bobby: We? No, we are not French. We’re American, because you’re in America, okay? Greatest country on the planet
Jean Girard: Well, what have you given the world apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?
Ricky Bobby: Chinese food?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chinese food.
Jean Girard: That’s from China.
Ricky Bobby: Pizza.
Jean Girard: Italy.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Chimichanga.
Jean Girard: Mexico.
Ricky Bobby: Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?
Jean Girard: We invented democracy, existentialism, and the blowjob.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Those are three pretty good things.
Ricky Bobby: Hey.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well that last one’s pretty cool.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Abracadabra homes
Cal Naughton, Jr.: So when you say psychosomatic, you mean like he could start a fire with his thoughts?
Ricky Bobby: [television commercial] Hi, I’m Ricky Bobby. If you don’t chew Big Red, then f-*bleep* you.
Chip: I can’t hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!
Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I’ll go ape-shit on your ass!
Texas Ranger: I’m gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!
Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!
Ricky Bobby: Come on!
Walker: I’m ten years old, but I’ll beat your ass!
Texas Ranger: Chip, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!
Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.
Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw’s a punk!
Chip: What is wrong with you?
Texas Ranger: Chip, I’m all jacked up on Mountain Dew!
Reese Bobby: Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I’ll, uh… I’ll say hello to these swamp rats.
Frank: [from the house next door] You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin’ to sleep!
Reese Bobby: You better shut the hell up or I’ll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!
Lucy Bobby: Yeah, shut up, Frank!
Walker: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!
Reese Bobby: Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.
Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin’ there in your ghost manger, just lookin’ at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin’ ’bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin’ me and my mama together, and also that my kids no longer sound like retarded gang-bangers.
Walker: My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbors dog to drink it. But he wouldn’t
Walker: Shut up in here I’m trying to sleep
Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth
Cal Naughton, Jr.: [on the telephone] Ricky, I think your house is haunted.
Ricky Bobby: Cal, that is a new house! It just has a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it!
[pauses]
Ricky Bobby: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
Ricky Bobby: [after a girl flashes him] Please be 18.
Ricky Bobby: Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said…”I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”
Ricky Bobby: Here’s the deal I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Lucius Washington: [trying to remove a knife in Ricky's leg] Let’s use this knife to pry it out!
Texas Ranger: Old man, I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he’s a dirty old bum, but then I thought, there’s something special about him…
Ricky Bobby: Because it was Jesus, right…
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah…
Texas Ranger: Why, if it isn’t our mangy, transient grandfather.
Lucius Washington: You’re not gonna live forever.
Ricky Bobby: No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300. Heck, I just read in the newspaper that they put a pig heart in some guy from Russia. Do you know what that means?
Lucius Washington: No, I don’t know what that means. I guess longer life.
Ricky Bobby: No, he didn’t live. It’s just exciting that we’re trying things like that
Ricky Bobby: Wow. I feel like I’m Highlander!
Jean Girard: [Jean chuckles, confused] What is the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby: It’s a movie. It won the Academy Award.
Jean Girard: Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made.
Opening text: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936
Herschell: Yeah? Well we invented the missionary position… You’re welcome.
PA Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, that is a new track record. As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is a statement of fact, and is in no way a comment on the driver’s sexual orientation.
Ricky Bobby: Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces… new born infant jesus,don’t even know a word yet.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake ‘n Bake!
[puts hand out]
Ricky Bobby: No, never again.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: You’re right. I was like a total dick, man.
Ricky Bobby: From now on, you’re the Magic Man and I’m El Diablo.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby: It’s like… Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
Ricky Bobby: Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop!
Jean Girard: Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender: We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?
Ricky Bobby: “If you have the stereo on…” Why do you have the stereo on while you’re watching TV?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: ‘Cause I like to party.
Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?
Lucy Bobby: Well, I don’t know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.
Reese Bobby: Yep, I guess things are just about perfect… it’s making me feel kind of itchy…
Ricky Bobby: How ’bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee’s?
Ricky Bobby: I’ve sent in my application to the Real World. So I’m hoping to hear back from that. I’m putting A LOT of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I’m also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not like a mean crack dealer, but like… like a nice one. Kinda friendly like, “hey, what’s up guys? Want some crack?” I’m just waiting on those two things to flesh themselves out.
Ricky Bobby: Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.
Jean Girard: It’s a sign of friendship in many countries.
Ricky Bobby: Well, not here.
Jean Girard: There is nothing sexual about it. Please don’t be worried about the fact that I have an erection. Its has nothing to do with you.
Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son’s, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin’ Wife, Carley
Carley Bobby: [raises hands] Woo!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Mhmm!
Walker: [along with Texas Ranger] Ow.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: There is something I want to get off my chest. It’s about that summer, when you went away to community college. I got an offer to do Playgirl Magazine, and I did it. I did a full spread for Playgirl Magazine. I mean spread man, I pulled my butt apart and stuff. I was totally nude. it was weird, I… I mean you probably didn’t hear about it because I went under the name of Mike Honcho. But I just wanted you to know that. If you can hear me, if it got into your brain somehow. That I spread my buttcheeks as Mike Honcho.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-Shirt because it says I want to be formal, but I’m here to party.
Ricky Bobby: I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, you know?
Larry Dennit, Jr.: That little obscene gesture is going to cost us a bundle.
Ricky Bobby: With all due respect, I didn’t realize you’d gotten experimental surgery to get your balls removed.
Lucy Bobby: So how was your day driving with you father?
Ricky Bobby: Well let’s see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn’t learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus like with giant eagles wings, and singin’ lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd with like an angel band and I’m in the front row and I’m hammered drunk!
Texas Ranger: Aw, Grandma, not my prison shank!
Ricky Bobby: [running around on the track in his underwear] Help me Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! AAAAAHHH! Help me Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!
Texas Ranger: [after Reese getting in an argument with an Applebee's waitress] Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.
[on Ricky's new 'corporate sponsor']
Susan: “Me” is you. Because it’s just you out there. We don’t have any corporate sponsors, we don’t have any fancy team owners. We have you. And this car, and this cougar, which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome. It’s all there for you.
Glenn: Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword that Sir Lancelot used to bring together the Knights of the Round Table, until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen…
[whispers suggestively]
Glenn: … in the biblical sense.
Ricky Bobby: Okay, Glenn. Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it.
Ricky Bobby: I came here to tell you one thing. Come race time tomorrow I’m coming for you.
Jean Girard: Do you know why I came to America Monsieur Bobby?
Ricky Bobby: Health care systems, giant water parks. The same reason anyone comes to America.
Jean Girard: I came here for you to beat me.
Ricky Bobby: What are you talking about?
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want only that what every other couple wants. To tame komodo dragons in Sri Lanka and teach them to perform Hamlet but before I can do that…
Ricky Bobby: That’s dumb.
Jean Girard: It’s not dumb.
Ricky Bobby: It is dumb.
Jean Girard: Why is it dumb?
Ricky Bobby: I don’t know.
Jean Girard: But before I can do that I must be beaten by a driver who is truly better than me.
Ricky Bobby: You saying you’re going to lose to me on purpose?
Jean Girard: No.
Ricky Bobby: No?
Jean Girard: NO! I will battle you with the entirety of my heart and you will probably lose. But maybe, just maybe. You might challenge me. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones. Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric. Will you be my Katie Couric?
Ricky Bobby: Wow I feel like I’m in the Highlander.
Jean Girard: What’s the Highlander?
Ricky Bobby: It’s a movie.
Jean Girard: Oh any good?
Ricky Bobby: Very good. It won the academy award.
Jean Girard: Oh for what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made. Look I came here to tell you tomorrow I’m coming for you.
Jean Girard: May god be with you Monsieur Bobby. Because although today I am friendly. Tomorrow will be war!
Ricky Bobby: Alright.
Ricky Bobby: What’s going on?
Jean Girard: Soon you will know what it is like to be beaten by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you. As William Blake wrote ‘The catworm forgives the plow”.
Ricky Bobby: Well I got something for you from the late great Colonel Sanders who said “I’m to drunk to taste this chicken”
Jean Girard: What’s that got to do with this?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I got a message for all of ‘em. Shake… and bake.
Ricky Bobby: What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!
Jean Girard: What is that a catch phrase or is that uh epilepsy?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: [whispers] Shake and bake.
Jean Girard: What?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: [whispers] Shake and bake.
Jean Girard: [puts finger in Ricky Bobby's face] Listen you better be careful because tomorrow you’re going to get beaten. Beaten real bad cowboy!
Ricky Bobby: Really?
Jean Girard: Yes!
Ricky Bobby: Yep, flying through the air this is not good.
Ricky Bobby: This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I do love fig newtons.
Claire Cleary: What is true love?
John Beckwith: True love is your soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire Cleary: It’s a little cheesy but I like it.
John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker.
John Beckwith: Don’t waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Soft mattress? Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night. One of those three probably contributed to the lack of sleep.
Janice: I’ve got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don’t seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don’t like the feeling. You’re sitting there, you’re wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I’m not really interested, should I play like I’m interested but I’m not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she’s not interested? So all of the sudden I’m getting, I’m starting to get interested… And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it’s awkward, it’s like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you’re trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don’t kiss them at all? It’s very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.
Janice: Okay…
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can’t see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice… great talk.
Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we’re getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
Jeremy Grey: She hasn’t answered your calls, she didn’t respond to any of your letters, she didn’t respond to the candygram. God only knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. ‘Cause she didn’t keep it, and I know you’re not raising the goddamn thing. I think it’s very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you anymore.
[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]
Jeremy Grey: What happened?
John Beckwith: I think he’s on steroids. It’s like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
Jeremy Grey: I felt like Jodie Foster in “The Accused” last night.
Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we’ve known each other I’ve been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don’t even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn’t see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can’t we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That’d be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That’ll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith: That’s a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, “Most Dangerous Game“. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that’s armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
From South Park:
Mr. Garrison: I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
Mr. Garrison: Let’s start the day with a few new math problems — what is five times two? Yes. Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve.
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let’s try and get an answer from somebody who is not a complete retard.
Uncle Jimbo: These shoes don’t say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, those shoes say you take it in the butt.
From: Pulp Fiction:
[Ezekiel 25:17 among others]
Jules: The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. ]
Jules: Wanna know what I’m buyin’ Ringo?
Pumpkin: What?
Jules: Your life. I’m givin’ you that money so I don’t hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
Pumpkin: Not regularly.
Jules: There’s a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. Now I’m thinkin’: it could mean you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be a shepherd.
Vincent: I got a threshold, Jules. I got a threshold for the abuse I’ll take. And right now I’m a race car and you got me in the red. I’m just saying that it’s fuckin’ dangerous to have a racecar in the fuckin’ red. It could blow.
Jules: Oh, you’re gettin’ ready to blow?
Vincent: I could blow.
Jules: Well I’m a mushroom-cloud-layin’ motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain I’m SUPERFLY T.N.T, I’m the GUNS OF THE NAVARONE. In fact, what the fuck am I doin’ in the back? You’re the motherfucker should be on brain detail. We’re fuckin’ switchin’ right now. I’m washin’ the windows and you’re pickin’ up this nigger’s skull.
Jules: If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.
[cleaning their bloody hands]
Jules: Fuck, nigger, what did you do to his towel?
Vincent: I was dryin’ my hands.
Jules: You’re supposed to wash ‘em first.
Vincent: You watched me wash ‘em.
Jules: I watched you get ‘em wet.
Vincent: I was washing ‘em. But this shit’s hard to get off. Maybe if I had Lava or something, I coulda done a better job.
Jules: I used the same fuckin’ soap you did and when I got finished, the towel didn’t look like no god-damn Maxi-Pad.
Marsellus: I’m prepared to scour the the Earth for that motherfucker. If Butch goes to Indochina, I want a nigger waiting in a bowl of rice ready to pop a cap in his ass.
Jules: Look, just because I don’t be givin’ no man a foot massage don’t make it right for Marsellus to throw Antwan into a glass motherfuckin’ house fuckin’ up the way the nigger talks. Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass cuz I’ll kill the motherfucker, know what I’m sayin’?
Vincent: I ain’t saying it’s right. But you’re saying a foot massage don’t mean nothing, and I’m saying it does. Now look, I’ve given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don’t, but they do, and that’s what’s so fucking cool about them. There’s a sensuous thing going on where you don’t talk about it, but you know it, she knows it, fucking Marsellus knew it, and Antwan should have fucking better known better. I mean, that’s his fucking wife, man. He can’t be expected to have a sense of humor about that shit. You know what I’m saying?
Jules: That’s an interesting point. Come on, let’s get into character.
Jules: Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.
Jules: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… stop right there. Eatin’ a bitch out, and givin’ a bitch a foot massage ain’t even the same fuckin’ thing.
Vincent: It’s not. It’s the same ballpark.
Jules: Ain’t no fuckin’ ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin’ his wife’s feet, and stickin’ your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain’t the same fuckin’ ballpark, it ain’t the same league, it ain’t even the same fuckin’ sport. Look, foot massages don’t mean shit.
Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: [scoffs] Don’t be tellin’ me about foot massages. I’m the foot fuckin’ master.
Vincent: Given a lot of ‘em?
Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don’t be ticklin’ or nothin’.
Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?
[Jules gives Vincent a long look, realizing he's been set up]
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You give them a lot?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You know, I’m getting kinda tired. I could use a foot massage myself.
Jules: Man, you best back off, I’m gittin’ a little pissed here.
Jules: Normally, both your asses would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I’m in a transitional period so I don’t wanna kill you, I wanna help you. But I can’t give you this case, it don’t belong to me. Besides, I’ve already been through too much shit this morning over this case to hand it over to your dumb ass.
[Jules, Vincent and Jimmie are drinking coffee in Jimmie's kitchen]
Jules: Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet shit! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster’s Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET shit on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie: Knock it off, Jules.
Jules: [pause] What?
Jimmie: I don’t need you to tell me how fucking good my coffee is, okay? I’m the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys SHIT. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It AIN’T the coffee in my kitchen, it’s the dead nigger in my garage.
Jules: Oh, Jimmie, don’t even worry about that…
Jimmie: No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: Jimmie, you know I ain’t seen no…
Jimmie: Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said Dead Nigger Storage?
Jules: [pause] No. I didn’t.
Jimmie: You know WHY you didn’t see that sign?
Jules: Why?
Jimmie: ‘Cause it ain’t there, ’cause storing dead niggers ain’t my fucking business, that’s why!
From: 40-Year Old Virgin:
[about how he knew the prostitute was really a transvestite]
Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant’s, and she had an Adam’s apple as big as her balls.
Trish: He also had a wife! Whom he fucked!
David: [Andy shirtless on body wax table] I love your sweater. Does it come in a V-neck?
Andy Stitzer: Keep your bitch on a leash.
Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Ooh! Como se llama!
David: Andy, for the last time, I don’t want your big box of porn!
Jay: You’re puttin’ the pussy on a pedestal [to Andy]
Cal: [to Andy about telling Trish he's a virgin] Yeah, you should definitely tell her, because I saw this movie called “Liar Liar” and the message was, “*Don’t* lie.”
[pause]
Cal: And that was a smart movie.
Cal: [about Andy wanting to tell Trish he's a virgin] Here, tell me, this is how it’s gonna go.
Andy Stitzer: I’m a virgin.
Cal: Cool! I like that, because I know you don’t have… chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean that shit is everywhere…
Waxing Lady: Sorry.
Andy Stitzer: [calms down very quickly] Gosh, I am so sorry. I usually don’t curse.
Jay: Dude, it’s not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I’m cool, I got friends who fuck guys… in jail.
Andy Stitzer: Ahhhhhhhh… wow. Soooo many stories are running through my head right now.
[pause] Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while… she was really a… nasty freak. She just loved to… get down with… sex all the time. It was like… anytime of day… she was like, “Yeah, let’s go! I’m so nasty!” And I’d be nailing her and she’d be like, “Oh, you’re nailing me! cool!”
Andy Stitzer: Do I need help?
Beth: Ummm… is there something you are looking for?
Andy Stitzer: Is there something I should be looking for?
Beth: We have an extensive do-it-yourself section.
Andy Stitzer: Do you like to… do it yourself?
Andy Stitzer: I hope you have a big trunk… because I’m puttin’ my bike in it.
Andy Stitzer: [after having wax ripped the hair from his nipple] Nipplefucker!
Andy Stitzer: They’re not fucking toys! This is Ironman, okay?
From: Fight Club:
“If you don’t know what you want,” the doorman said, “you end up with a lot you don’t.” ~Chapter 5
The gyms you go to are crowded with guys trying to look like men, as if being a man means looking the way a sculptor or an art director says. ~Chapter 6
It used to be enough that when I came home angry and knowing that my life wasn’t toeing my five-year plan, I could clean my condominium or detail my car. Someday I’d be dead without a scar and there would be a really nice condo and car. ~Chapter 6
When you have insomnia, you’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake.
The things you own end up owning you. It’s only after you lose everything that you’re free to do anything.
How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?
Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.
We don’t have a great war in our generation, or a great depression, but we do, we have a great war of the spirit. We have a great revolution against the culture. The great depression is our lives. We have a spiritual depression. ~Chapter 19
No fear. No distractions. The ability to let that which does not matter truly slide.
We’re designed to be hunters and we’re in a society of shopping. There’s nothing to kill anymore, there’s nothing to fight, nothing to overcome, nothing to explore. In that societal emasculation this everyman is created. ~David Fincher, director of Fight Club, interview with Gavin Smith, “Inside Out,” Film Comment, Sep/Oct 1999 .